Why does 'aku' feel so awkward when talking to my older relatives?

u/IndoGrammarGeek_LanguageTeacher / Jun 2, 2026 / 42 upvotes

You’re running into the 'intimacy scale' problem. 'Aku' implies equality or deep romantic/close-friend intimacy. Using it with elders sounds like you're trying to be their peer, which breaks societal hierarchy. In a Jakarta household, you should switch to kinship terms entirely. Drop the pronouns! Instead of 'Are you eating, Auntie?', say 'Makan, Tante?' or 'Tante sudah makan?'. Using their title (Tante, Om, Ibu) as the subject is the standard way to show respect. Practice this drill: Take a list of five daily activities (eating, going out, sleeping) and force yourself to say them without using 'aku' or 'saya' at all. Just name the person. It sounds robotic at first, but it’s infinitely more natural than using 'aku' with your aunt.

u/HeritageHustler_AdvancedHeritageLearner / Jun 2, 2026 / 28 upvotes

I went through the exact same thing when I visited my cousins in Kemang. The 'textbook robot' feeling happens because apps teach 'Standard Indonesian' (Bahasa Baku), which is basically the government's formal language. Nobody in a Jakarta living room speaks like a textbook. My advice: stop worrying about pronoun correctness and focus on the 'Om/Tante' prefix. If you feel weird about 'saya', just use your own name in the third person if you're feeling playful, or better yet, keep the subject implied. If they giggle, it's usually just because it sounds 'bule' (foreign). Don't stress too much—your efforts to speak the language, even if you mess up the hierarchy, will be appreciated more than perfect, stiff Indonesian. Just keep showing up.

u/JakartaLocalFix_CulturalConsultant / Jun 2, 2026 / 19 upvotes

You aren't doing anything wrong, you're just using the wrong 'register.' In Jakarta, we use 'saya' only in formal business or with people we don't know at all. With family, 'aku' is too close for an elder, and 'saya' is too distant. The secret key is replacing the pronoun with their social role. Address them as 'Tante' or 'Om' always. If you need to refer to yourself, just omit the pronoun entirely—Indonesian is a pro-drop language. Try this: record yourself saying 'Sudah makan?' (Already ate?) to an imaginary elder. Notice how the sentence flows better without the 'aku' or 'saya'? That’s the rhythm you need. It feels like you're missing a piece of the puzzle, but in Indonesian, that missing piece is actually the goal.